I consider myself truly fortunate that though periods of my life have certainly not been easy, my life’s compilation of trauma still pales in comparison to what many have gone through. But nonetheless, all trauma, no matter how big or small, can wreak its havoc on our mental, emotional, spiritual, and of course, physical health.
Anyone who has gone through a debilitating or life threatening disease is unlikely to come out of their battles without any scars. Just like physical scars, emotional scars never completely disappear, but with much work and the right tools and support, they can fade significantly.
I believe it is very interesting, and also is in many ways very healing in and of itself, to reflect on and acknowledge the stages of post-illness trauma once you’ve made it past the hardest parts.
When I look back at my own experience now, I can easily see the clearly defined stages that I progressed through during and after the traumatic event of being so near-deathly ill from my monster Ulcerative Colitis flare up in 2010.
After enough passage of time and much reflection, here is where my understanding of the stages I went through has landed:
1. The “Just Trying to Survive” Stage: this was what happened during the worst of the flare when all felt lost and hopeless much of the time. My sole focus was mustering up enough strength and faith to be able to get out of the hospital alive and home to my family. It’s true what they say, when you are sick, nothing else matters beyond desperately wanting to get well.
2. The “Just Trying to Recover” Stage: this was the stage that kicked in as my condition stabilized but still involved a long and frustrating road to remission. Things were still so hard, but my focus was attempting to find as much gratitude as possible and thinking about the simple things in life that I was missing out on and dreaming of getting back to them. My can-do attitude that evolved as this stage progressed was fueled by my intense desire to be able to get back to being a happy and healthy mom for my daughter.
3. The “Recovered, but Needing to Blow off Some Serious Steam” Stage: This was an interesting phase, because in this phase I was finally in remission, physically recovered and doing well, and was beginning the process of learning how to stay healed naturally. But, wow, I so badly needed to blow off some pent up steam and experience some of the fun side of life that I had been missing out on for so long! Fortunately, the perfect new friends came into my life during this time – the kind of friends that are life-lovers and are always up for an adventure, who will give you some epic nights out to remember, and are just enough of a bad influence in all the right ways! (Shoutout to my girls Mari & Marci!)
4. The “Doing the Work” Stage: After getting to enjoy plenty of long overdue fun again, as my research and learning continued I entered the stage of focusing more and more on seriously doing the work required to STAY healthy, even with an “incurable,” chronic disease. This is the stage where I committed to do whatever it takes to live life flare-free and medication-free. This looked like less nights out and more early bedtimes, less alcohol and more kombucha and herbal teas, less coffee shop friend dates and more yoga or hiking friend dates. The more I learned the more my lifestyle looked like one of wellness, and the incredible reward of this was easy to see as I kept getting healthier and healthier and healthier. This stage is a permanent one, as doing the work never ends, especially as I begin to focus more on learning all I can about navigating emotional and spiritual health and wellness, as well as continuing to maintain my physical health.
5. The “Telling the Story” Stage: though the “Doing the Work” stage will never be done,” I’m so grateful to have simultaneously moved into the stage of telling the story by sharing with others what I’ve learned so far on this journey. This stage is the most rewarding by far. It’s a wonderful feeling to get to the other side of trauma. Truthfully trauma never really leaves you, and often still finds ways to impact you when you least expect it. However, in many circumstances such as my own, trauma holds onto you less and less until one day you might wake up and realize that the good that came out of it outweighs the bad. Stage five is where this beautiful moment happened for me. I know I am extremely fortunate to be able to say that.
I personally find deep fulfillment in reflecting on the experience of going through these five stages because they have all been an integral part of my story. Each stage prepared me for the next stage, and they all contributed fairly equally to my growth. Each stage helped make me a better mother, a better person, and equipped me with the motivation to keep learning and keep striving, no matter what bumps in the road may come up along the way.
All of this has led me on my journey of learning to heal and stay healed, and discovering who I am and what I really believe in. It’s made me ask myself, what do I want to say by how I live my life, what do I want to teach my daughter about life, and how do I live a life with few regrets in the end?
I’ll speak more in future posts about the emotionally healing tools that have been a tremendous help for me, particularly as I moved through stage 4 and into stage 5. Fortunately we live in a time where lots of tools and other forms of help are available!
I’ve come a long way baby, but I’ve still got a long way to go. As I said, the work is NEVER done, but I’m so grateful to be here to do it.
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